In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.