In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
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Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.