In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
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*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
excuse me
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.