People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
You Might Also Like
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
My Plans 2020
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.