[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.