In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.