In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.