@gobmentcheese: In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.
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@EJGomez: dating tip: do NOT kiss their dad on the first date to establish dominance. wait until at least the second date. he will respect you more
@OrangeFact: [First Date] HER: I love dogs. ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador - medium rare.
@HairyJew4Life: The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.
@AimeeHelene1: "And this is my creepy husband, John." (The way my friend should introduce her husband)