@gobmentcheese: In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.
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@mattZillaaaa: *lights a scented candle in my house *gets texted 500 miles away from my mother Please watch those candles
@Playing_Dad: Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl? Government: Sorry, no Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets? G: Lol, of course
@causticbob: "Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"