@gobmentcheese: In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.
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@onion_an: [last day at job] "You've made my life a misery, I hate you all" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] "Not you tho Phil"
@iamspacegirl: me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
@Contwixt: Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that's going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet