In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.