[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol