In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.