*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?