[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
motivation
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed