@MooseAllain: In a hotel room. The dog's growling and whimpering. My wife's worried the neighbours will think we're having sex.
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@TheOfficialTed: Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.
@gurl_sour: Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
@BiIIMurray: I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
@eXentRic_: Holy Communion: PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it " ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated*