In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Pretty much. 🤣
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?