*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.