In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.