Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.