[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
This checks out
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Isn’t
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day