馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven鈥檛 seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
This all started with Meghan鈥檚 friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone鈥檚 place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I鈥檝e broken all my New Year鈥檚 Resolutions so now I鈥檓 moving on to laws of nature.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I鈥檓 only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren鈥檛 a metaphor for anything. Don鈥檛 want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
If I reply touch茅 that means I have no clue what you meant
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses