@RealSugarFree: In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.
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@trojansauce: ME: *vaping* FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen? ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
@Jake_Vig: ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather? ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
@jp_mcdade: Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.