Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows: