Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.