In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
You Might Also Like
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?