In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You got this…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
For those that worship cheese..
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.