Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.