In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“I FIXED IT!”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here