In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Friday night party time 🥳
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Which wines pair best with gloating?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.