@The_Mentalyst: In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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@HelloCullen: I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
@Jenny4ashley: [speed dating] Me: Have you ever choked someone? "No I would never do something like that" Me: Next
@Schmoodles: My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."
@Eightinchgoat: Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don't do dope, kids.