Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths