I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You Might Also Like
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.