[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”