[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Nomnomnomnom
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make