In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
john wicks are toilet candles
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Finally a use for spoilers…
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.