In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Ghost costume 😂
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Who.
Did.
This?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
getting corrected
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”