[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u