I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
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[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.