@RamblingMachine: In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
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@eyeswidebutt: [on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'
@mattsurely: Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.