does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay