landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st