In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin