(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Finally, an explanation.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.