(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I think I’ll stand
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.