[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You Might Also Like
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.