In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A woman drives into a bar.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!