In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.