In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
My background check bounced.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”