[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist