in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.