in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
The Onion called it…again.
Wikigenius
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.