My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone