@ImFordTough: In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
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@SweetTweetsBRO: I used to be a people person, but apparently collecting people in your basement is frowned upon.
@iwearaonesie: *takes glass out of dishwasher* *doesn't know where it goes* *leaves on counter* *wife puts it back in dishwasher* *repeat for last 7 years*
@duumb: journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects? me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
@roostermustache: Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE