in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED