In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.