@sweetg35: In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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@abbycohenwl: [chameleon conference] Boss: Is... everyone here? *crickets* Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx Keith: You're welcome
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@BillCorbett: To celebrate Independence Day I'm finding Englishmen and then walking angrily away from them!
@iGreenMonk: I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.