In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You Might Also Like
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’M CRYINGGG
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.