@AndyRichter: In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.
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@handsock_butts: 6 year old: daddy look we've had a whirlpool in our house this whole time! Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet
@odannyboy: DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie. Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
@AaronNevins: You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
@AKcrazy18: When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.