@AndyRichter: In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
@Mikecanrant: Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
@FeralCrone: Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She's concerned that "the haters" in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
@stevezorz: Trump's gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn't keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.