In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.