@AndyRichter: In all honesty, my new dating service, "Well You're Not So Great Yourself" hasn't really taken off like I'd hoped.
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@Sassafrantz: Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It's always "KILL" or "MURDER" or "YOU'RE OUT OF NUTELLA"
@WilliamRodgers: The rest of you just need to get fat because I don't feel like going to the gym anymore...
@OfficialMizGin: There’s nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.
@ARealTinderella: Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.